The effects of Rape

Betty-Rose had a terrible and disturbing secret that she kept for fifteen years. When
Betty-Rose was about five years old she was raped by an older cousin who was in high school.
He told her not to tell anyone and she did not know what to do except to comply with his order.
It was not until Betty-Rose was twenty years old that she finally did tell someone about what
happened to her. She remembers the first time she heard the word “rape.” While watching a
soap opera in first grade she heard one of the women actors ask another, “Were you raped?”
Betty-Rose said that at that time, something clicked and she wondered if that word described
what had happened to her.
As a child, Betty-Rose grew up “very sad.” Coping with the sadness was a constant
battle. Anger was another challenge. She recalls that while growing up she was angry, sad, and
lonely. She says that she was not diagnosed as depressed during her childhood because she
never told anybody what had happened. She grew up with her parents and her brother in a very
loving home. She also had an aunt and uncle whom she was very attached to and refers to them
as “second parents.” Even with a loving and supportive family environment, Betty-Rose felt
very lonely. She wanted to get away from home and her family because they did not know and
did not understand what she was going through. Betty-Rose admits that she also daydreamed a
lot. When she would daydream, she would daydream about leaving the country altogether and
becoming a citizen elsewhere. She loved the French language and imagined moving to France
and starting a life there to just be far away from everybody. She just wanted to start over and
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leave her past behind. She felt that if she were to go away that she could start out fresh and
nobody would know that she was that quiet, lonely girl and she could just have a clean slate. She
thought that it would be easier to leave rather than trying to rebuild from where she was.
Betty-Rose thought that escaping was easier to do than dealing with her situation and that
leaving would allow her more room to finally breathe.
Because it happened at such a young age, Betty-Rose did not have the time to build the
self-esteem that she needed. Betty-Rose realizes now that she “victim blamed” herself for what
happened. When people would say that she was pretty she was scared that they were going to do
something to her. It got to a point that she told everyone to not give her compliments on her
physical appearance. This situation served to contribute to her lower self-esteem because then
she started to believe that she was “so ugly.” There were years when Betty-Rose did not like to
look in the mirror. Blaming the victim continued and Betty-Rose prayed to God to not give her
friends because she felt that she did not deserve any. Undoubtedly, feeling that she was not
worthy of having friends contributed to her loneliness.
Singing was something that Betty-Rose liked to do but she would not sing solo in front of
people when she was young. She grew up singing in the church choir but never wanted a solo.
She remembers thinking about Greek mythology and that when the sirens sang, it would attract
men; she did not want to attract men so she never sang by herself. Betty-Rose grew up fearing
men. It took her a long time to truly be comfortable around male relatives.
Betty-Rose felt the burden of carrying this secret by herself but was unable to disclose it
to anyone. When she was a kid she used to imagine different scenarios of when and how she